My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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