I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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