I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
