can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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