Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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