my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
