I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize