tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
