I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize