Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Houston, we have a blender
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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