Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
