The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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