bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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