If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
