you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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