I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
