youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
