Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
