god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
