pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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