I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
