Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I have fence marks all over my body
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
