So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
