and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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