Umm I'm too high to move.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
