when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
