Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
