you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
