Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
