the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
