he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
