Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
