I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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