Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Randomize
