i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
