tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize