My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Randomize
