Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
