She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
