I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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