i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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