I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
