my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Randomize
