i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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