Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize