Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
