listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
babies were throwing up all over the place
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
