is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
When did we convert life to cartoon?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
