I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
