you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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