i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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