Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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