It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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