i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
