Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
