her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
