I never want to see another naked old woman again.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Randomize