I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
