FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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