I bet he comes in French.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Randomize
