Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize