I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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